bored bored..

sigh.. so bored at home.
been thinking lots these days.
also doubted myself..
whether all my choices all this while was correct.
i would think if i hadn't do tat..
will the outcome be different..
will i be happier..
but there seem to have no conclusions..
cos i will never know..

i've messed up my life with the decisions i make.
but so what..
what's done cannot be undone.
maybe this is all fated.
no one can change..

oh ya.
last sat..
saw laine, sara, edmund and eric at paradiz.
kinda surprised.. hahs.
cos firstly. tot eric not free..
den didn't expect sara to wan clarify anythings with me.
cos she once said she no need to explain to me.
maybe like i said.
its all fated.
for us to see each other.
and for us to clear our misunderstandings..
yupps.. so we cleared all things le ba.
maybe her initiative to wan clear might show chances of patching friendship.
but i really dunno.
i scared the things i've been thinking might happen.
i dun wan. cos we still kinda far although we closed up the gap.
maybe if we still go out..
things will be better.
but who can assure me i wont be neglect..
all this happened.. i also dunno wat to do le.
just let days pass ba.
if it was meant to turn out like tat..
i also cant help.
i will try to salvage.
but its only i try..
i cant hope for anything..
cos i know.
things aren't suppose to go my way..
its supposed to let nature take its course.

hmm.. was back from check up for poly..
hahs.. so many years never care for my illness le.
think this time really need to care le.
dun wanna have any complications..
cos if i do.. not only i will be hurt..
my laogong.. my parents..
all of the ppl tat cares for me will be hurt.
like sara.. if she is ill.. and dun wanna cure.
ppl tat cares.. no matter wat misunderstandings we had..
also would wan her to be healthy..

hahs.. so i think i'll be going to the polyclinic on next wed ba.
wan get things controlled fast.. gonna enjoy my last week of freedom.
after tat.. when i need be referred to KK for hospitalisation..
i'll gonna have to change my lifestyle all over again.
i know it'll be damn hard.
but i'll try..
cos i dun wan anyone hurt cos of me anymore.
hospitalised or not.. i dunno.
but if really.. i'll just try my best to be well again.
to control my illness..
and not let it worsen anymore.
i know i've been stubborn for years.
but i cant hide forever.
cos complications will come.
and i might die if serious complications are involved..

i swear i gonna be a good girl..
i'll take my medication..
i'll have my jabs..
just dun take anymore things precious away from me.
i cant take it de.
once is enough..
i dun wanna any history to reapeat again.

this tie going poly..
i wanna live a new life.
i wanna be good..
no more questions..
only plain trust.
except i dunno how to trust anymore.
maybe i should get thins right b4 i decide..
hahs.. yupps..

hmm.. dunno.
seems like life is like tat.
you have to walk one step at a time.
cos you dunno tmr would you still be alive..
shouldn't plan too far ahead.
hahs.. things might occur..
bad or good tat depends.
just hope my life would be smooth after i turn 17.

kinda disappointed i actually have not much friends..
want ppl to just come to my countdown party..
but seems like all of them are either busy..
or plain dun wan come.
always wanted my friends to be with me on my bdae.
but i think tat will never come true ba.
i need no presents or wishes..
just you guys by my side would be enough..

very long never blog le.
hahs.. still got many things wanna say..
but i suddenly like nth to say le.
shall not nag so much.
my readers might not like it.

oh ya.
dunno since when..
i dunno how to let my thoughts out le.
seems like its auto locked inside my brain or heart.
only when i meet somethings tat happened around me..
will i know i had those thoughts.
or maybe when i alone and start think.
then i'll know my thoughts..
maybe cos all the things happened too suddenly..
too fast.. so fast tat i have no time to realise.

anyways.. hahs.
just to say one thing..
i've never regretted loving anyone or being friends with anyone.
its all good memories left in my mind.
no more bad ones..
just finished watching ying ye 3+1 yesterday.
realised tat wat they say its true.
dun wait if you have something to do ir say.
cos if you do wait..
you might not have another chance to say it le.
cos you dunno when you=re supposed to leave this world.
so always grab your chance and do wat you can.
time doesn't wait for anyone..

hahs.. shan't crap or nag anymore..
its a long enough post.
shall stop ba..
maybe next time got anything happen..
and when i got my thought out from the safe..
i'll come by and post.
so tat's all for now..

tata..
till next time den..

[[`kat~*]]